Eleven years ago I finally chose to break free of my horrible marriage. It’s something I should have done long before that, and I’ll forever have regrets about not getting out sooner, but I finally did it.
Why am I choosing to write about this today, and what does it have to do with “The Right Words?” I’m glad you asked. Allow me to explain the strange workings of my mind.
Next January — yes, a whole year from now — I will be doing stand-up comedy at a women’s wellness retreat. I realize that’s an entire year away, but it was on my mind today, and I got to thinking about what constitutes wellness. I think that you can eat the best food, do all the right exercises for your body, get enough sleep, and avoid things like nicotine and alcohol and still not be well if you’re hit every day with the wrong words.
What do I mean? I mean if you are surrounded by negativity, negative people, cruel people, and all you hear are insults, complaints, name calling, and the like, you will not be well. You cannot be well.
The wrong words suck joy from your life, and when your life is joyless, everything lacks luster. The perfect meal is tasteless. A good workout leaves you feeling drained instead of invigorated. Sleep, when it actually comes, becomes a means of escape from your joyless life rather than a way to rest up for the next day. Nicotine, alcohol, and other drugs tempt you because they, too, offer escape and temporary euphoria in your joyless life. (However, I’ve never done any drugs except alcohol, just so you know.)
For over twenty years, I endured the presence of someone who was mean, cruel, exceedingly negative, and who used his words as weapons on a daily basis. I was repeatedly told that I was a bitch and that everyone hated me. If I accidentally did something “wrong,” he’d give me a condescending look, shake his head, and say “You,” with derision. Nothing, ever, was done to his satisfaction by me or the kids.
If you look up any description of narcissism, that’s him — to a tee.
Ever since the day he moved out — court ordered, I might add — at the end of March, 2012, my life has had joy again. Lots of joy. Daily joy.
Why? Because I hear the right words now. I hear them all the time.
They are kind words and words that offer encouragement and respect and positivity.
Of course I heard those types of words during my marriage, too, but they were often drowned out by the overwhelming, roaring flood of the negative words I heard at home.
Think about it this way: if you eat a good diet during the daytime, but then you go home at night and eat buckets of ice cream and bags of chips and cookies by the bushel, will you lose weight or even be healthy? No, of course you won’t. Same goes for hearing good words from co-workers and students, for example. They only go so far if, when you get home, you are assaulted by spite and scorn and belittlements and a tirade of negativity.
Thus, I was not well at all the majority of my marriage. That daily barrage of the wrong words made me sick — in body, mind, and spirit.
I should have got out sooner. I know that. I knew it then, but, as anyone who has ever been married and then divorced knows, it’s easy to get married and difficult to get divorced.
Ever since he moved out, though, I’ve made it a point to avoid negative words — when they are spoken merely out of spite. Negativity when it’s given as a criticism of my writing from which I can learn and benefit is different from negative commentary whose only purpose is to be mean.
When you have people in your life who are nice to you and who say kind things, you feel better.
Food tastes good again. Morning yoga and long walks invigorate me. I sleep hard now and rarely struggle with the debilitating insomnia I once had. The only drinking I do is rare and limited to one or two, at the most.
I feel well and enjoy a wellness of life that seemed only a dream years ago. I’m still overweight, struggle with back pain, and have some minor health issues, but I am well because I am surrounded every day by the right words.
I noticed, too, that when all I heard from the one who was supposed to love, honor, and cherish me were words of derision and ridicule, I began to parrot that way of speaking. I’d hear myself saying negative things far more often than I said positive things, and I’d hate myself for being that way, but just as we are what we eat, we also are what we hear and say.
Once he was out of my life, though, it was easy to stop being that way. Like quitting smoking cold turkey.
Oh, I’ll never eliminate every negative word from my vocabulary and conversations, but they are fewer and further between than they used to be. And when I utter them, I usually feel the effect they have on my well being and make a conscious effort to flip the situation into a more positive light.
Negative words — spoken merely for spite — harm the hearer and the speaker. They are the wrong words.
The right words, like the right food, nourish you and bring you the wellness you need in your life.
Instead of hearing, “You’re a bitch and everyone hates you,” I now hear “You’re a good writer and a lot of people like your books.” The difference those words have made on my well being is the difference between living in a frigid, lightless cave and living on a warm, tropical beach.
I’ll take the beach any day.
I wrote the following poems during those dark, cave-dwelling, years. I think you’ll see how miserable I was. Writing these poems was one way to release that misery and bring clarity to myself.
I’d say, “I hope you enjoy them,” but I don’t think they are meant to be enjoyed. If you’re not yet a paying subscriber, please consider becoming one to have access to them and to other pieces of my writings that I only share here with paying subscribers.
Have a great day. You are all wonderful and beautiful people. Be well.
Tammy
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Tomes and Topics to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.