Being Foreign

If you know me at all, you know that I taught Spanish for 30 years. I love the language and the people who speak it. I love the culture and food of Mexico and the architecture and beauty of Spain. I still need to visit other Spanish-speaking countries, but Mexico and Spain hold special places in my heart because I’ve hosted exchange students from there, I’ve taken students on trips to both countries on two different occasions, and I’ve visited both countries with my daughter and Mexico alone and with my son and with my boyfriend.

I know what it’s like to help foreigners feel welcome in my country, and I know what it’s like to be welcomed into other countries (and what it feels like when you are NOT welcomed). I’ve experienced the culture of Spain and Mexico firsthand because I’ve spent extensive time with my former exchange students in their own homes and with their extended families. It’s an adventure that everyone should have, in my opinion.

I often feel like I was born in the wrong place. I live in the most landlocked state in the country, yet my heart and soul yearn for the sea. My state gets bitter cold in the winter, and I hate it — I thrive on tropical heat (but even I will admit that the intense humidity does me in). While I love the English language, teaching its crazy pronunciation and spelling “rules” is enough to drive the sanest teacher loca — Spanish, on the other hand, has very straightforward spelling and pronunciation. Did I mention the sea? Ahhh, to be on a beach in Mexico right now would be divine or to be gazing out at the Mediterranean from the coastline of Spain would be equally divine. Ahh, the sea — el mar.

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

Because of my affinity for the Latin culture, I wrote the following poem, which is meant to be both serious and comical.

Latina by Choice

Filsinger, Niederheide, West, Meyer, Marshall, Louden, Akers, Lymath . . .

These are the echoes of my heritage. 

Most are German with a sprinkling from the Britannic isles.

Good, solid, upstanding Caucasian vanilla ice cream with only a dash of seasoning for flavor.

However . . . in my heart, I am Garcia, Lopez, Sanchez, Ruiz, Realpozo, and Villalobo.

Yep, I should have been born Mexican or really any other Latino heritage.

Tropical beaches, the trill of the Spanish rrrrrrrr, dark chocolate or creamy caramel, spicy picante sauces, colorful houses, hot days and warm nights, Dos Equis or Sol cheladas, Latin music and rhythms, salty air and sandy toes, palm trees and turquoise seas . . .

I am who I am because of my past and those who came before me, and for this, I am quite grateful, but somewhere along the line, somebody took a wrong turn and ended up in ‘Merica instead of Mexico, Nebraska instead of Nayarit, and Clearwater instead of Cozumel. 

Garcia Marquez, Lorca, Paz, Dario, Cervantes, Allende, Vargas Llosa, Fuentes, Rulfo . . . these are my literary heroes.
Juanes, Shakira, Paulina Rubio, Selena, Luis Miguel, Alejandro Sanz . . . these are the singers who stir my soul.
Salma Hayek, Antonio Banderas, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Lopez . . . these are the actors who make me applaud.
Gabriel Iglesias, George Lopez, Cheech Marin, Carlos Mencia, Paul Rodriguez . . . these are the guys who bust my gut.

My skin, my name, my eye color all scream EUROPEAN ANCESTRY, but my heart, my mind, and my soul shout back even louder LATINA BY CHOICE!

I may have been named Tammy Sue Marshall, but my alter-ego is known as Tamara Susana Marquez.
 

I started hosting exchange students in my late 20’s. My first was Silvia from Mexico, and she was such a joy to host that I ended up hosting six more times because of the great experience I had with her. Next was Carmen from Spain followed by Francesca from Italy. Then came David from Germany. I didn’t plan to host anymore after him because my own children were getting into high school age, but when my daughter was a freshman we ended up with Bea from Germany and immediately followed her with Jakub from Czech Republic. These were all full-year students, but I did host Olga from Spain for a short summer stay one year, too. Additionally, I temporarily hosted Zula from Mongolia, and she and I are still in touch these many years later.

Some things went wrong for Zula in her host home, and I often saw similar things go wrong for other people hosting exchange students. In the hopes of preventing those problems and helping others have seamless experiences that they will treasure the way I treasure my hosting experiences, I want to write a full book of guidance for families. So far, though, I’ve only composed the following encapsulated advice, and since now is the time of year when families are choosing exchange students for the coming school year, now is the time to share this advice:

1st: Choose wisely. Pay attention to everything they wrote and checked on their applications. If you are a strong Christian, then for the love of God, do NOT choose an atheist or a Buddhist. You will clash, and it is NOT your place or your job to convert the student you've chosen. If the student says that he is a vegetarian, then respect that, and if you are a hard-core meat and potatoes family that seldom serves the green stuff, then look elsewhere for a student to host. If the girl says she has allergies, then she is not a good match for your five cat household, so it doesn't matter that she's the only German girl left and you really wanted a German girl; choose someone else or wait another year!

2nd: Be sure that your own family members are on board with the decision to bring a stranger into your home. If even one of your own children or your own spouse/significant other is opposed to taking this step with you, then you are setting the whole thing up for failure. Also, you are unfairly bringing a kid who is excited about coming to the U.S. into a strained situation, and he's only going to resent you and your family for it -- after all, another family who was completely committed to hosting could have chosen him instead.

3rd: Make a place for him or her in your home. This student will be a FAMILY MEMBER and NOT a nine-month guest. She needs her own bed at the very least, and she needs space to put her personal things and where she can feel at home in her home-away-from-home. This means -- make a place for her in a bedroom (preferably one of her own), in the bathroom (clear a shelf or drawer), in the car, in your family room or rec room or wherever you congregate the most as a family, etc.

4th: Connect with him and his family before his arrival. When I hosted my first student in the 1997, this was difficult to do because it had to be done with an expensive long-distance phone call or via a letter that might reach the family after the student had arrived in the U.S.; however, nowadays, with all the types of social media and e-mail available, it is really easy to reach out and let the real parents know that their beloved child is going to be just fine with you even though he's thousands of miles from home for a full school year. Turn the tables -- if your own child were the one going overseas, you'd feel a lot more comfortable about it if you knew the parents there cared enough to let you know things about themselves. So, do the same for them.

5th: Figure out what rules and expectations you have for the student, and then explain those rules and enforce them. Don't have double standards for your own children and your exchange student. Remember, she is NOT a guest. If you expect your own son home at ten o'clock on a school night, then you will expect your exchange student home at the same time. The reverse is true, though, too. Don't give your own children special privileges that you deny to your student. That will breed resentment and will only lead to problems and more problems. Be realistic with your rules/expectations, and follow through on them. The student is a teenager after all, so it's in his nature to test you. Don't fail the test.

6th: Don't treat the kid as an indentured servant. He didn't come here to clean your house and car, cook your meals, or scoop your driveway. However, he should be expected to do a reasonable amount of those things. Reasonable. If your own child is sitting inside playing video games while the boy from India is outside mowing the lawn, then you have a problem. Or if you are sitting on your ass watching TV while your girl from Spain is mixing up her thirtieth paella for you and your drooling brood, then you are doing this hosting thing for the wrong reasons. By all means, have the kids help and occasionally treat you to a meal from their own country/culture, but their main reasons for being here are to get an education and to experience our culture and learn what they can from that. Don't add to the negative stereotype that exists out there about Americans being lazy, greedy, selfish, and ignorant. Learn from your student while they are learning from you.

7th:  Be there for the student. In my own situation, I was blessed in that I was a teacher at the school where my exchange students attended, and I taught/coached them all in some capacity. School is these kids' lives. They make friends there, they take part in activities there, they eat one meal a day there and sometimes two, they grow immensely during their stay based upon the things they do at school more than the things they do with you and your family; so get involved and pay attention to what your student is doing at school. Attend his football games even if he only stands on the sidelines every game, go watch her in the school play even if she only says one line, cheer on the marching band as it goes by in every parade even if he just plays the cymbals twice during the entire song, etc. School is important to the student, so make it important to you -- if you cannot do that, then don't host. It's that simple.

8th: Understand that while nine months SEEMS like a long time, it will fly by, so appreciate all the moments you get to share with the student and treat her to a few little excursions whenever possible. She will be very busy at school, and those activities will suck up most of her time, so plan some trips to show her other aspects of your state or region that she will miss due to her crush of activities. You get to not only be her host parent, but you also get to be her teacher and guide, and it will be your lessons that will make some of the biggest impressions upon her and shape her opinions and memories of the U.S.

These are basic and common sense pieces of hosting advice, but they've served me well, and I've honed them to points that work pretty darn well. I want to share one of the biggest perks of hosting that many people don't consider -- once the kids go back home, provided you had a positive experience with them during their stay, you now have friends in other countries who in turn can host you during a visit to those countries.

I've visited my students in Mexico, Spain, and Italy. Every trip has been wonderful because these students and their parents have shown me the "real" countries just as I did for the students when they lived with me. I'm not interested in seeing the touristy places in foreign countries -- I want the true experience. I get that when I visit these real families who can take me to places where the locals go. My very first exchange student was only 10 years younger than me when I hosted her. Less than two years after her return to Mexico her parents were killed in a car crash. I had never met them, and that made me really sad, so I vowed to get to know the families of any other students I hosted, and I've made good on that -- I do, though, still need to get to Germany and the Czech Republic but I will. However, I did start traveling to Mexico pretty regularly to get to know that girl's extended family, and soon I found that I was a part of it. They were so loving and appreciative of my having hosted her. Over the years our bond has grown and she is now my very best friend. My life is infinitely better with her in it, and I would never have known this person if I'd never hosted. 

If you choose to host and you do it right, your life, too, will be infinitely better than it is now -- so much better than you can ever imagine.  

As I mentioned above, I was in my late 20’s when I hosted Silvia, so we are only 10 years apart in age. Due to her parents’ untimely deaths and my repeated visits to Mexico, we became very close and have become lifelong friends. I ended up hosting her and her teenage daughter in my home a few years ago for two years while Silvia again studied in the U.S. This time, she was earning a college degree. Her time here got cut short because her kidneys failed her, so she had to return to Mexico until she could get a kidney transplant. That took a year and a half, and she finally managed to get a transplant two months ago. So far, things are going well for her, and I hope to be able to see her again soon.

She is my dearest friend. I wrote the following poem about the friendship she has brought to my life. If I’d never hosted exchange students, I would never have known this wonderful person.

If a Friend . . .
 
If a friend cheers you when you’re blue, then laughter is the perfect pal.
 
If a friend lends an ear to your woes and a shoulder for your tears, then a Teddy bear is the pleasantest playmate.
 
If a friend lifts you up and helps you soar to new heights, then a colorful kite on a windy day is the coolest companion.
 
If a friend shares words of wisdom and advice when you most need it, then a well-chosen book is the smartest sidekick.
 
If a friend bolsters you in whatever you do no matter the wisdom or folly, then a form-fitting bra is the surest supporter.
 
If a friend provides great company without saying a word, then the sound of waves gently lapping the shoreline is the sweetest soul mate.
 
If a friend gives unconditional love and attention, then a dog is the best buddy.
 
And if a friend does all of the above and then some, then she must be you, my dearest, bestest, truest, greatest, belovedest, and foreverest friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Silvia.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve taken students on four trips abroad. I would have taken more trips with students, but a few spoiled and inconsiderate students ruined it for others and left me not wanting to bother with the problems they caused. I much more enjoy traveling with others who value the experience the way I do. I wrote the following short story a very long time ago, shortly after one of the first trips I took with students. The events in it did not happen, of course, and the people in the story are completely made up, but it reflects attitudes and situations that can and do develop when traveling in a foreign country. It’s meant to teach a lesson in a simplistic way, and it’s written for a younger audience, but I want to share it here and I’d be happy to receive any feedback on it that you would like to offer.

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Angie’s Gift — a short story by Tammy Marshall